Random

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admin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 09:59:28 +0000

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RANDOM HOW TO : EMERGENCY CHILDBIRTH

admin — Mon, 10 May 2010 09:13:21 +0000


	Suppose You’re In A Hypothetical Situation-You Encounter A Woman In Labour. It’s AStormy Night, You’re Leaving Your Engineering College After Being Expelled. After Your Evil Principal’s Vendetta Against You Finally Worked (A Simple Enough Hypothetical Situation To Imagine Yourself In).	HERE’S WHAT YOU DO


STEP 1 Get your two best friends to help you – any friend willing to help you deliver a baby in a college storeroom when asked is a TRUE friend	STEP 2 Clear the nearest table and lay the woman down on it,use a curtain as a sheet – things like sterilization, protection from the cold and rain are for lame people with “Medical Training” … ‘Creative Minds’ do it rough.	STEP 3 Set up a direct high-speed video link to the nearest maternityward /chubby little midwife – not only will finding this state-of-the-art hospital be a piece of cake, being an engineering student this will also count as your end-of- term project
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STEP 4 At this point the woman in labour will be beginning to get hysterical (Pregnant women tend to do that when you point webcams at their privates)… knock her unconscious. If people try to stop you hitting a pregnant, hysterical women over the head, let her scream a little longer until they reconsider.	STEP 5 Locate the nearest vacuum cleaner. Floor Buffers and RO Systems are not as effective as vacuums for childbirth and post-natal care..	STEP 6 Tidy up. No child, after a particularly uncomfortable not to mention life-threatening birth would like the first things he sees to be a dirty old store-room.
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STEP 7 Now … Deliver the Baby.	STEP 8 You must have the crying, gooey baby in your arms by now. If you don’t, repeat Steps 6 & 7. If the baby is not crying (i.e. is just a gooey lump) keep saying ‘All izz Well’ & move the baby’s arms with your hands. Try to get the others to play along and get them to say ‘All izz Well’ too. This should serve as a good enough distraction as you get away from the place as fast as you can.	STEP 9 Change your name and move to a remote, desolate location. Try to be a better person to repent for letting a poor sick woman think you can deliver her child when actually you can barely stay in college. Die alone and remorseful.

BULLSHIT PAGES

admin — Mon, 10 May 2010 07:13:21 +0000



1. Drafting Emails. 2. Walking around with a piece of paper and pencil in your hand. 3. Sitting in a corner and doodling in a notebook (make sure no one can see what you’re doodling) 4. Having extended conversations with people working in different rooms – each will assume you are taking a break when actually you’re moving from break to break the entire day. 5. Feigning interest in Boss’ hobby and talking to him about it – be it anything from obscure art house films to toe-nail clippings. 6. Volunteering for field work – any field work, getting coffee, getting the company car fixed, recce a stretch of road we mightsend a guy to sell magazines on, etc. 7. Engage one of our more rambling co-workers in any sort of argument, and let it run its natural course. 8. Entertaining the visitors in the waiting area with impromptu stand-up acts. 9. Learning the ancient japanese art of Stareibana – the art of tasteful web browser bookmark arrangement. 10. Hiding in the toilet – wifi enabled laptops make excellent companions.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED ?

admin — Mon, 10 May 2010 06:22:14 +0000


History is written by the victor, they say. False! History is written by bespectacled professors (or their historical counterparts) who are bossed around by their wives. And therefore, it is full of lies. To set the record straight, Random tells you…

WHAT THEY TOLD YOU		WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Aditya is the elder, responsible son of Yash.		Aditya is actually Manmohan Desai’s son, whom Yash stole as he already knew that his real one will be of no use.

Amitabh Bachchan was hospitalized after Punit Issar accidentally hit him during the shooting of Coolie.		He was hospitalized because he accidentally hit Puneet Issar and hurt his hand.

Dharmendra fought a violent maneater in the climax of the 60′s spy flick AANKHEN.		The scene was stolen from the tiger blockbuster Khoon Bhari Aankhen, in which Dharmendra played a tiger-killing monster.

My name is Khan is the story of a mentally challenged man facing a hostile society in order win back the love of his life.		It was supposed to be the story of a senile, hostile man challenging society in order to win back the love of his life, until they realized they’ve cast Shahrukh Khan not Salman Khan

Akshay Kumar, Sanjay Dutt and Salman Khan made crores of rupees last year because of their many hit films		DRDO’s ‘muscle-brain’ clone soldier project (abandoned as a military venture in 1992) is finally paying off

The golden kelas were another huge success this year, finally gaining some respectability and national coverage		The golden kelas are part of the secret underground Film-makers turf war, put up by the ‘Multiplex’ film makers led by A.Kashyap, V.Bhardwaj & D.Banerjee to discredit the ‘Big Budget Gang’

THEME TABLES

admin — Sat, 08 May 2010 11:41:05 +0000

Those privileged enough to attend the 2nd Annual Golden Kela Awards got to see the back of Cyrus Broacha’s head… the VIPs on the other hand got to sit and drink and talk, rub shoulders and what not with CyBro (as close personal friends call him) and also get a close look at the tables (the other, non-VIP guests had to sit in the back … on chairs with needles sticking out of them …
rusty needles). Anyway, the tables had Genuine Props from Genuine Bollywood films… and here they are -

THE CROCODILE
WHO ATTACKED REKHA
The Unknown Crocodile had been missing for years. Finally after many years of work (which was later turned into a Docu-feature by NatGeo) the Crocodile was traced to Alipore Zoo where he was living by the name of Suresh Kumar and working as a night guard. Suresh sir was very accommodating, and later he also gave us his Official Movie Toy and Sindoor as a gift.
Seen in Khoon Bhari Maang, 1988

_______________________________________________

JUMMA KA CHUMMA
This Kiss was to be retraced from Amitabh Bacchan’s skin, but Multiple Layers of Make up and effect of Bathing and Shaving on his facial skin since 1991 made it extremely difficult. But through a new technology, developed at the High Altitude Research Lab, Ladakh we finally traced the kiss back from a discarded tissue used during the filming of the scene.
Seen in Hum, 1991

______________________________________________

RAJNIKANTH’S
CIGARETTE AND SHADES
This cigarette was reconstructed
from its Ashes and butt, by a highly specialized team of Plastic
Surgeons, Harappa
Conservationists and Forensic Scientists in a project funded by Random and CSIR.The glasses now belong to French President Sarkozy who has exclusively licensed it for this ceremony.
Seen in Kodi Parakuthu, 1988

_____________________________________________

JAYAPRADA AND
NATWARLAL KI MOONCH
Jayaprada’s image is displayed in the bottle by a small Flux Transistor which works 24 hours, the Bottle however had grown a beard and had become a drunkard poet, we had to convince the bottle to shave specially for this event.
Seen in Sharabi, 1984

_____________________________________________

GOGGLES WORN BY
MITHUN CHAKRABORTY
These glasses have seen many owners, the President of Turkey
and the late Ray Charles.
Finally bought by Random for $9,00,000,0000000 in a secret
Auction held in London.
Seen in Disco Dancer, 1983

_____________________________________________

JITENDAR’S
CLASSIC WHITE SHOES
These shoes have been with
the Albino Society of India since
1986. It was used at all their fundraising events and was placed at their office. The only Afro American person in Random Staff stole it from their office last night, motivated in part by a burning desire to get back at them for refusing him entry.
Seen in Tohfa, 1984

_____________________________________________

IT HAPPENED BECAUSE OF

admin — Sat, 08 May 2010 10:54:47 +0000

COMEDIAN OF THE MONTH – CYRUS BROACHA

admin — Sat, 08 May 2010 09:19:40 +0000

RANDOM : HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
Cyrus : I’m not feeling well. Bimaar hoon, what to do? People say kela is a pinnacle, it is more prestigious than the filmfare awards.

RANDOM : ARE YOU NOT INTERESTED?
Cyrus : I tried my best to call everyone, Shiela Dixit, Ambika Pillai, Rajdeep Sardesai, no one here returns the calls. But I’m hoping if no one comes then I’ll get the awards.

RANDOM : WHAT AWARD DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD WIN, IF YOU WERE TO GET A GOLDEN KELA?
Cyrus : I’m happy with anything, for lyrics, for dancing, anything, as long as I get a Golden Kela. After all, at the end of the day we are all kelas only.

RANDOM : WHICH MOVIES DO YOU THINK WILL WIN TODAY?
Cyrus : I don’t know, some really good(bad) movies were released this year. Even my movie 99, was actually good, but it mostly played to empty theaters … IPL aa gaya beech mein. There are quite a few contenders vying for the Golden Kela, especially for Original Story and Worst Lyrics Award.

RANDOM : HEARD YOU LEFT THE IPL OPENING CEREMONY FOR GOLDEN KELA, WHY SO?
Cyrus: It was just for CNN-IBN, thoda sa kaam tha, but Golden Kela is more important. IPL will return again after six months, but Golden Kela is like Wimbledon; it’s like the grand prix. I have told Mr. Modi to delay the opening ceremony, start it late by like 10 pm, all because of Golden Kela.

RANDOM : ANY OTHER EVENT THAT YOU COULDN’T ATTEND BECAUSE OF GOLDEN KELA?
Cyrus : Meri shaadi.

RANDOM : BUT WEREN’T YOU ALREADY MARRIED?
Cyrus : Woh Mumbai mein hai, baaki jagah bhi to karni hai, Delhi mein, Nagpur mein…

RANDOM : WE HAVE HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE THAT YOU HAVE TWO KIDS?
Cyrus : My wife has two kids. You see, you can be sure of a mother, not of a father.

RANDOM : WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT YOU COMING HERE FOR THE GOLDEN KELA AWARDS?
Cyrus : My son loves kelas, only he doesn’t know that it’s not really a kela. But my daughter doesn’t like it, she thinks we are discriminating against other fruits, like apples and oranges. My son was happy that at last I won something.

RANDOM : WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT?
Cyrus : I think that the razzies gets a lot of stars, but in India, this culture is not there. We can laugh on others but not on ourselves. But I think by 2020 Kareena & all other stars will start coming. All big stars will start attending it in the coming years.

Cyrus : Ok enough, now some straightforward questions!

RANDOM : FUNNIEST MOMENT?
Cyrus : My suhaagraat, both the moment and the movie. Raat ke 9 baje, meri biwi aur main akele. Then I jumped on the bed, & woh so gayi, 8 saal ho gaye shaadi ko, and ab bhi wo waise hi soti hai.

RANDOM: COMEDY ON INDIAN TV
Cyrus : I used to like Flop Show… Jaspal Bhatti. That was very funny. But then it’s not gone anywhere from there. But Jaspal Bhatti obviously was something special. When he started doing hindi films, he got lost there. You know, he was playing the sardar guy, somebody’s uncle and all that. He’s far too talented for that. I mean, he’s twenty times as talented as the main lead. He could write a five times better script than the damn film and he’s stuck there. It’s a sad thing about the country we live in.

In Week That Wasn’t they’ve allowed us to push the envelope a bit. Because it’s an english audience, we’re getting away with a little extra. In mainstream hindi if you see…Shekhar Suman with Pollkhol had tried a bit. But at some point if you look at it, you’re only abusing four leaders. You’re making fun of Laloo Prasad, who loves it. Couple of congress guys who’re not that heavy. And maybe an L.K. Advani who’s slightly moderate. Are you taking on a right wing leader? Are you taking on a so-and-so…you know names that we can’t take?

RANDOM : WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN THE AWARDS TONIGHT?
Cyrus : Kamaal R Khan and his film, Deshdrohi.

RANDOM : BUT IT IS A 2008 RELEASE!
Cyrus : Nahi 2009 ki hai, KRK ke liye toh lifetime achievement award hona chahiye, Rahul Mahajan ke liye bhi, I don’t know what his exact talent is, but he is good. Rakhi Sawant too. My name is khan ko bhi mil sakta hai. Also, 3 idiots is a very bad movie, it’s so sugary, I did not like it at all. Arrey india has many idiots, like Aamir Khan, KRK, Rahul Mahajan, me.
RANDOM : AND WHAT ABOUT LADIES?
Cyrus : Deepika ji. What was that stupid movie, chandni chowk to china, uski story par ek reality show ho sakta hai; people can try and explain ki story kya thi. Rani hai, Dil Bole Hadippa ke liye, kya picture thi. Lara Dutta for blue, swimsuit ne acting kari thi, sharks also played their part well. Did you invite any of the sharks?

In hollywood 90% actors attend the event like razzies, it will take a little more time in india. The younger generation today is more receptive; 5-10 years down the line it’s gonna get better. I have an advice Random ke liye, next time call big sponsors, like Ambani, Bharti Airtel, and then give money you get to the stars and then they will come. This is my secret method, try it, it’s gonna work.

RANDOM : THIS AWARD FUNCTION IS BEING ORGANIZED BY RANDOM MAGAZINE, INDIA’S LONGEST RUNNING HUMOUR MAGAZINE, WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON HUMOR?
Cyrus : I’m against it, I think I have been trying humor march 1996 se, humor should be banned, I don’t know why people are not listening to me, humor should not be encouraged.

RANDOM: INDIAN TV TODAY?
Cyrus : I’m forced to watch TV. Like the other day, my parents wanted to watch American Idol. So they are singing there and my son is watching Spongebob here. So i’m screwed. What can I do? I can listen to that stupid American show or I can watch cartoons. But Spongebob is funny. I like that. I watch a lot of cartoons, I’m forced to. Tom and Jerry… I think they should do an indianized version of Tom and Jerry. Instead of just speaking hindi they should start coming to gujarat and all. ‘kya? Billi ke liye hotel nahi hai? Behenc**d! I’m leaving!’ of course now we have Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and all that an she’s…what?…803 years old and children are growing up thinking their grandmothers will live 4000 years and look exactly like Tulsi, with white hair.

RANDOM : WHAT ABOUT THE HUMOR IN CINEMA?
Cyrus : It is not humor, what you see in today’s films is something else, people like you and me, we won’t understand it, because we are not of the right type of mental level, of these film-makers. Golden kela is for people like us, it is for us to develop such humor sensibilities.

RANDOM : WHICH ALL CELEBRITIES ARE YOU EXPECTING HERE TODAY?
Cyrus : Jaspal Bhatti, the CM Shiela Dixit, Sushma Swaraj, she really likes jokes. I have even left invitations in Rajya Sabha & Lok Sabha. And Shahrukh, Hrithik & Priyanka also might come … You know not the Khan, Roshan and Chopra, their surnames might be different, like Shahrukh Gupta, Hrithik Chadha, Priyanka Singh.

RANDOM : IF YOU WERE TO RECOMMEND SOMEONE FOR GOLDEN KELA, WHO WOULD
IT BE?
Cyrus : I think everyone should come, I hated Black, I could not sleep for 5 days after watching Black. I had to go to a psychiatrist for treatment. People in Bollywood are not willing to accept it, even if one great actor comes, it’s going to be famous. You need just one big name to make it big.

RANDOM : DO YOU THINK YOU WILL WIN NEXT YEAR?
Cyrus : I want to win every year, it would be great.

RANDOM : GOLDEN KELA KE BAARE ME KUCH 200 SHABD KAHIYE.
Cyrus : Golden Kela is the greatest carnival since the Goa festival, it promotes art as well as what the artist wants to promote. You see in India, one is a middle market and one is a rural market, you can reach all the three markets in one go, unlike Filmfare Awards. Which is for the middle class and some high class, but Golden Kela can reach everywhere, it can be enjoyed by everyone, from all three sections. Then it will be wonderful, just like my suit, which I borrowed from a waiter at the Taj hotel, where I’m staying. Manohar ji, I thank him with everything for lending me this suit, so I could come here today.

RANDOM : WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Cyrus : Chacha, Uncle… Bhaiyya!!!

RANDOM: PARTING SHOT
Cyrus : I think comedy is in safe hands. Especially for those who have a sense of frustration, be it in school, in college, in marriage, in career…It’s the only way out. So you have two options. Either you find the funny root and laugh it off and try to survive because life sucks anyway. Or you start killing people, which is also funny.

Earlier I used to tell people ‘free your mind’. Then I said ‘what’s the point?’ If they free their mind they’ll kill people, there’s no point. Don’t free your mind. Just shut up and stay at home.And don’t drive your car too much. It really irritates me a lot.

THE LAST THING THEY DO BEFORE GOING TO BED

admin — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 11:35:07 +0000

BEFORE AND AFTER INDEPENDENCE

admin — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 10:26:52 +0000

A lot has changed in our country in the 62 years since independence. But nobody (especially among readers of Random) knows exactly what the changes are. Random comes to the rescue and tells you what has changed by taking a look at India…

BEFORE		_AFTER

People protested against the British rule to bring an end to their life of slavery.		People protest against the IPL cheerleaders.

Indians were not allowed in English clubs		Indians are not allowed in Australian clubs

India experienced some of the worst famines ever recorded		India experienced some of the worst females ever recorded

Calcutta was a swampy land that was converted into an urban city by the English		Kolkata is a swampy land that is called an urban city by the commies

Mahatma Gandhi was a living example of non violence and abstinence		He was shot dead and became father of the nation

INA was the army of Netaji who fought for India’s independence		INA is a market on Sri Aurobindo Marg in Delhi

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

admin — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 08:18:44 +0000


History is written by the victor, they say. False! History is written by bespectacled professors (or their historical counterparts) who are bossed around by their wives. And therefore, it is full of lies. To set the record straight, Random tells you…

WHAT THEY TOLD YOU IN SCHOOL		WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

Newton discovered the law of gravity after he saw an apple falling from a tree.		He copied it off Google and invented the apple story to convince people that his discovery was original.

Amitabh Bachchan was hospitalized after Punit Issar accidentally hit him during the shooting of Coolie.		He was hospitalized because he accidentally hit Puneet Issar and hurt his hand.

The dinosaurs went extinct because of an asteroid impact which changed conditions on earth.		They died due to a Fast till Death protest against discrimination of cold-blooded creatures by the new evolvees.

Ashok the Great was so distressed by the carnage in the Kalinga war, that he joined Buddhism.		He joined because their clubhouse had a great squash court and swimming pool.

Mr. Bose died in a plane crash in Taiwan in 1945.		He is still alive and looks over the Bengali people as the popular superhero Boseman.

Julius Casear had an affair with Cleopatra, Queen of Egypt.		He only pretended to like Cleopatra in order to get closer to her little brother Ptolemy XXL.