Random

RANDOM TAKE ON … THE OLYMPICS ‘08

userrandom — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 12:15:47 +0000

*Snapshots from the 2008 Olympics*

August 2008, The Abominable Indian Delegation Arrives in Beijing	Tibetan Tests – All far-eastern players must undergo a word association test to determine where their ‘sympathies’ lie.

100 m Dash Incident – The Indian Delegation’s secret sprinting weapon (a thief who instinctively runs faster on hearing gunshots) had a false start, where he ran straight out of the stadium…with all three medals.	Closing Ceremony – A dance show by Akki and Jackie, to promote their upcoming films.

INFLATION … Naam toh suna hi hoga

userrandom — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 11:10:36 +0000


Inflation can be defined as the waste material left in a small plastic cup after having a particularly large, spicy helping of papri chaat.That definition would be wrong.Another, more correct definition would be the overall general upward price movement of goods and services in an economy. Over time, as the cost of goods and services increase, the value of … (more.)

WHAT CAUSES INFLATION?
	GEORGE W. BUSH – An actual food shortage was caused by people having ‘Barbecues’ and Gorging on Food just to piss Dubya off.
PRIME TIME SPIRITUALITY – The bottom fell out of the Gourd (Both Long and Bitter) market after every TV Baba and Lifestyle Guru prescribed them as cures for Cancer and AIDS.
	THE INVISIBLE PINK Muhnochwa (Monkeyman) – Using his razor-claws and imported Invisible Pink Fur, this invisible fiend has surreptitiously raised the prices of essential household goods in another attempt to prey on innocent semi-rural folk! That Filthy Invisible Pink Bastard!

AND WHAT INFLATION CAUSES?
THRIFTINESS IN EVERYDAY LIFE – For example, colleagues Mannu and Monty sharing the same turban to save on laundry bills.
	CURBING SURPLUS EXPENDITURE – More and more Celebrities opting to Carpool, or in some cases Scooterpool, thus saving on Petrol, Cab-fare and in some cases Electricity.
INNOVATIVE JUGAAD – Reusing Condoms. ’nuff said.

SOLUTION
Buy RANDOM! It’s Cheap Like Crazy! And Edible! Although if you’re reading this you probably have already bought the magazine … so Good Job So Far! Keep It Up! And Eat Up!

CHANDARYAAN – I AKA CHANDU

userrandom — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 10:46:43 +0000


Chandaryaan … Yet another Pinnacle of Indian Achievement (!), this fine piece of Engineering is *Made in India*, with the Best Technology we managed to borrow from other, better Space Agencies.

The Chandaryaan-I has been in the news a lot recently but what do people really know about it? Do they know what each part is called? Do they know what the Chandaryaan is called at home? Do they know what is on its iPod? Is it CNG or LPG? We at Random answer all this and more, right here …
Chandu Comes of Age

Chanda mama door ke…	‘These books are not good for you. Get back to your study.

Chandu’s Playlist	What a Bomb!

So, this is a graphical peek into the life and time of Chandu. In his 25 (something like that) years of life, Chandu has theoretically traveled some light years from the dingy alleys of the ISROO to the vast expanse of the space (if he has managed to reach it!). 2 days after his launch, his parents have lost track of him as he’s not responding to their calls. But here, we all wish Chandu a happy stay at wherever he is, with like-minded strangers.

Rakhi Ka Swayamvar – or No?

userrandom — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 12:04:11 +0000

It was many, many years ago when the ritual of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’, An Indian Bride choosing her own husband) was developed in India, by Ancient Indian wisemen, saints, and Brides. The ritual was that a young unmarried bride could choose her husband from a line of prospective, suitable husbands-to-be, be it by walking up-and-down in front of them and putting a garland (or mala) of flowers around their necks, usually after selecting which one beforehand from a balcony with some of her friends and giggling.

Some times a challenge is part of the Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’) where the prospective husband-to-be has to shoot fish or break bows before they get to marry the Bride (who is usually a princess) and the others are left with just consolation prizes. This was the ancient, noble ritual and tradition of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’) Oh, what an ancient and noble ritual!
But with the telecast of Rakhi ka Swayamvara, a very badly researched television ‘Reality’ programme where the celebrity Rakhi Sawant chooses her husband is a high mockery of that very ancient and noble tradition! The programme has done nothing that even remotely looks similar to the original ancient and noble ritual of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’)! Leaving the whole issue of the dress sense and the locations – they wouldn’t let anyone participate without interviewing them first! What travesty is this! First you had to send in photographs and fill a form, after that you would have to sit through an interview with the Television programme’s producers, and only then would they let you take part in the so-called Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’ my foot!)

The lady Rakhi Sawant has the birthright (being born in our great nation of India) to hold a Swayamvara of her own to choose her own husband (in case her own parents were unable to find one for her, as is the other tradition in our country) but what sort of travesty is this Television programme? Instead of having a traditional test to determine who would be marrying the Bride, they have challenges? Instead of the Bride going up to her husband-to-be with a garland, they have eliminations? Instead of giggling with friends on a balcony, they have Ram Kapoor? Where is the beloved tradition and ritual of our country as shown in the beloved epics Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana and Ramesh Sippy’s Mahabharata? Do not tire yourself looking, because it is no where to be found!

Thus it was no loss, no tears shed from me when the producers decided that I was not fit for the programme – As if they can tell who will be a fitting match for the lady Rakhi Sawant! Even my impressive archery skills could not impress them, and after they had seen my even more impressive skills in breaking bows and other weaponry they were probably too impressed to call me back.

But it is no matter! I am sure that the lady Rakhi Sawant will realize that a television show is not the way to choose a partner for life, and will soon be impressed by my archery skills, and will bless my life by putting the garland (mala) around my neck, and giggling with her friends on a balcony, as is the ancient and noble tradition of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’)

My Trip to the Zoo

userrandom — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 12:01:54 +0000

Last week, I went to the Zoo. It’s full title is Zoological Gardens. It is very nice, and I had a lot of fun while I was there. Me and my friends first went to the ‘Ape’ exhibit. My friend Sumit said ‘O Behenchod look at that fucking Gorilla! He is scratching his balls yaar!’ I said, ‘Maa ke lode, it is not a Gorilla, it is a Chimpanzee, or Pan troglodytes, from the Congo region in Africa!’

‘I see,’ said my friend Sumit, and then he turned to the Zoo employee standing nearby,

‘Do all members of the Pan genus scratch their balls so?
‘Yes. Yes they do,’ said the Zoo employee, then went back to picking up Chimpanzee excreta, which was his job.

Just then I heard my other friend Akul call out to me from near the monkey cages, ‘OYE SAALE YEH DEKH! YEH DEKH SAALE ISS SAALE KI NAAK DEKH BEHENCHOD!’
Me and Sumit went up to the cage, and saw that the monkey in the cage was the Proboscis Monkey, and its nose was truly a sight to see. What fun we had shooting at it with airsoft guns! Ha ha!

Then, we went to the Big Cat area of the Zoo, which was very educational, as well as fun. The tiger pit wasn’t very fun at the beginning, when the tigers were just lounging around, but later, when they threw in their food – huge fucking hunks of raw fucking meat, I mean that shit was raw, I mean blood was fucking dripping down that shit it was so raw, I mean FUCK! – when they threw in their food, at which point all the tigers went towards and started tearing at it.

My friend Akul said, ‘Oh Shit! Look at that! All the fucking tigers are fighting over that raw fucking piece of meat fuck!’ and Sumit said, ‘Yeah this shit is fucked up yaar, lets go look at the Lion exhibit…’
So then we went to the Lion exhibit, which was very impressive, because the Lion was out and was roaring a lot. Every time the lion roared Akul would get filled with awe, and all he could say was, ‘FUUUUUUCK!’ Sumit rightfully noted how all the lionesses looked like they just had their cubs killed by the lion and then fucked by him too. It was a humbling experience for us all.

After that we went over to the Snake house, where they were having a show where the guests could interact with the snakes. I had a good time learning about the snakes (who are cold-blooded reptiles) and after the lecture we got to handle the snakes. Akul was all like ‘O BEHENCHOD MUJHE DEKH MAIN SAALA SAANP KO CHHOO RAHA HOON SAALE MUJHE DEKH!’ and Sumit was all, ‘MERE PAAS NAHI LA BE MAIN IN SAALON KO NAHI CHHONA CHAAHTA HOON! MUJHE SAANP SE BAHUT DAR LAGTA HAI MADARCHOD MERE PAAS SE HATAO!’
And then I said, ‘TUM DONO CHHIPKALI KE TATTON CHUP KAROGE MERE GALE PE BEHENCHOD SAANP LATKA HUA HAI AUR TUM SAALE YEH SAB BAKWAAS KAR RAHE HO MADARCHOD ZOO WALA KAHAN HAI USKI MAA KI CHOOT SAALE KO BOLO YEH MAA KA LODA AJGAR MERE GALE SE NIKALE MADARCHOD CHHOD KE CHALA GAYA BEHEN KA LODA!’

I was a little shaken by the snake incident, so I took a Valium and fell asleep in the car. Akul and Sumit stayed at the zoo, and later, when they returned, they showed me the little marsupial they had stolen (A Wallaby) and they summed up their experience as ‘PHAADU!’ and I must say, I concur!

The End

A RANDOM GUIDE TO PM Candidates

userrandom — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 08:42:10 +0000

Name: Raul Gandee
Age: 38
Party: Cawngress
Constituency: A Crib
Quote: “If Mama wants it, then I am ready for it.”
Pros: Schools across the country will have pasta and spaghetti in their mid-day meals Closer relation with Bangladesh, since Sheikh Hasina is indebted to his Grandmother
Cons: Chetan Bhagat impersonators might increase Divorce rates will reach an all-time high with more and more women losing the ‘custody battle’ over their husband to their mother-in-laws

Name: Maayawatee
Age: Puchho hi mat
Party: Haathi Mere Saathi Parthy
Constituency: A Houdah
Quote: ‘Haathi chalte jayenge, hum janamdin manate rahenge.’
Pros: Elephant will replace the Tiger as the National Animal Birthday parties of ministers will be funded by the government and national holidays be declared on those days
Cons: Idolatry will be promoted and parks will have more statues than swings and slides
All government vehicles will be replaced by elephants

Name: Pervez Musharraf
Age: 65
Party: Back to India Party
Constituency: Daryaganj
Quote: “…O Hindustaaan ki awaaam ko ab zroorat hai ek naye leader ki, ek naye hukoomat ki, ek pukistaani ki”
Pros: Already knows intimate details about the Indian establishment Was born in India, which is more than we can say for some of the other candidates…
Already not popular in Pakistan (required for any Indian Head-of-State) Cons: Has already failed to reach Delhi once… Every political failure would be attributed to him being a … Pakistani

Name: Jaspal Bhattti
Age: Old Enough to Hit on College Professors like a Decent Man
Party: Recession Party
Constituency: Chandigarh
Quote: “I draw inspiration from Cartoons and Politicians, the both are so much alike”
Pros: Would be the first PM who’ll make the people laugh … on purpose
Already has the perfect cabinet (his comedy troupe) and vice PM (Mrs Bhatti) Cons: No one would take his ideas for improving the country seriously People would start thinking Sardar jokes were political humor

Name: Varoon Gandhee
Age: Late-twenties
Party: The Brat Pack
Constituency: The Funny Farm
Quote: “Jo bhi Phoolon ko todega, Varun Gandhi uska haath kaat dalega! Bolo ‘DON’T PICK THE FLOWERS!”
Pros: Fancy, flowery words will be developed for anything related to the genre of ‘violence’. E.g: “Ye panja nahi, kamal ka haath hai,” So next time don’t be surprised when someone says, “To is ‘pushp ka ghat’ anubhav karke, aapko kaisa lag raha hai?” after slapping you hard
Cons: Burly brats will be encouraged to publish collected poems with redundant titles, viz. The Selflessness of Others
All important decisions will be taken after consulting with his 7-yr old cousin

Name: LK Advaani
Age: Fits comfortably in the ‘Senior Citizen’ category
Party: RSS (Retired Sindh Samiti)
Constituency: Anonymous old-age home
Quote: “A bundle of untruths”
Pros: Blogging, social networking and net surfing will become all the rage among octogenarians
They’ll remove all those billboards of his face from everywhere
Cons: Retiring age for government officials will be 80+ instead of 58
Certain parts of his screeches speeches can only be heard by Dogs and Bats

Name: Lalu P. Yadav
Age: Bhak, budbak
Party: CCD (Cattle Caring Dal)
Constituency: A Tabela
Quote: Agar gai ka thikan duha nahi jaaye, to uu bimar pad jaat
Pros: Every citizen will be given mandatory training in milking the cow to brighten India’s prospects in the dairy industry
The gardens around India Gate would be used as grazing grounds, leading to a second white revolution
Cons: Family Planning Commission will be restructured to introduce amendments in the existing policies
Shekhar Suman will start doing his Laloo jokes again and become popular

Name: Balika Badhu (Aanandi)
Age: Like 8 or something
Party: Illegal, Immoral Yet Profitable to Televise Party (IYPTP)
Constituency: 36-72 Urban and Suburban Females in North India
Quote: “Jhooth bolna paap hota hai, Dadisa”
Pros: Would finally put its popularity to some good use
Would give bitter, old, orthodox people a role-model
Cons: Would be everywhere on the TV for five more years
Would make it seem that child marriage is cool as long as it’s done to cute chubby kids

RANDOM TAKE ON… RACISM

userrandom — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 06:30:37 +0000

INDIAN INSTITUTE FOR RACIAL PROFILING AND ETHNIC STEREOTYPES

SPOTTING GUIDE

NORTH-EASTERNERS:
DO:

Try to sound like you care about their issues.

DON’T:

Ask if they know the only other NE’n person you know.
Ask if they want dog with their rice (It is understood…)
Bitch about Bob Dylan within earshot.
Ask when their visa expires

PECULIARITIES:
Will always be more fashionable than you.

EUROPEANS:
DO:

Hide your children.
Point it out if you are a Christian, just like them.

DON’T:

Rape them.
Try to sneak a look at their pink nipples.
Set out to prove their country of origin inferior to your own… it isn’t.

PECULIARITIES:
Talk loud to ethnics.

SOUTH ASIANS:
DO:

Stay out of smelling range.

Remember which hand is for eating with
and which hand is for washing with.

DON’T:

Call them A-rabs or sand-n*ggers -
monsoon monkey will do just fine.

Comment on the wobbling head.

Do the accent – it doesn’t suit phoreners.

PECULIARITIES:
Are possibly the most xenophobic of them all.

AFRICANS:
DO:

Let them sit in front – they like that.

Pretend you understand what they are saying.

Pretend you care about what they are saying.

DON’T:

Ask for heroin, offer to buy it (going rate 3 chickens/10GM)

Compete against them in track events.

Insult their mothers.

PECULIARITIES:
Might be under the impression that all NE’n women are prostitutes.

RANDOM LOOK AT THE WORLD OF ELECTIONS

userrandom — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 10:07:32 +0000

Take a Random look at the world of elections in images.

RANDOM GUIDE TO FAILING

userrandom — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:43:21 +0000

If you’ve heard about the Law of Averages, you’ll know that even the most pathetic loser of all time is bound to win some time or the other. Therefore…everybody can win. And it takes only an idiot to tell you how to win (and a lot of idiots are making money out of it). Losing consistently, on the other hand, is an art that only a few have been able to master.

But, now the author of such bestsellers as The Drunk Who Never Had a Ferrari to Begin With, I Stole Your Cheese and The Neighbors’ Leftovers for the Soul is here to tell you that You Can Lose. And you don’t even need to buy it…because we have shamelessly stolen all the good stuff from the book for you to read.

Recognize Your Talent – And stay away from it. Very easy. It’s even easier if you don’t have any talent whatsoever, like Tusshar Kapoor. In that case, look at point below (and the one below that).

Be Proud – And refuse to accept any help from anyone…including your own father, sister and other assorted relatives and friends. Avoid sugar daddies (and mommies) like you’ve got diabetes.

Avoid the Entertainment field – Unless you’re a genius. Only real genius dies in poverty. Otherwise, in entertainment, your popular success is inversely proportional to your talent. In case you have no talent whatsoever, refrain totally from choosing this field.

Get Addicted to a Substance – An easy way to lose. Substance abuse will leave you penniless, pathetic and craving for more…the epitome of being a loser. And by substance I don’t mean marijuana (that’s not an addiction, it’s a hobby)…I mean something more harmful and addictive – like tobacco or alcohol for example.

Don’t Cheat – Face it. No matter what religion/conventional morality say, almost every winner is also a cheater, in one way or another. One principle that you’ll have to adopt to lose is ‘No Cheating (Unless you’re cheating for the opponent without receiving monetary recompense)’. Play squeaky-clean-fair and your chances of losing increase by 73.6%.

Talk Big – Make tall claims about your experience, your qualifications and your abilities. Actually, it won’t help you fail…but it will definitely make the failure more dramatic. And funny.

Be a Fatalist – Believe in Destiny. Everything is preordained and therefore you can do nothing to change it. So do nothing. You’re bound to lose. So seek refuge from the random chance that is life in lofty (and stupid) concepts like Fate, Will of God or whatever else you might come up with that helps you blame someone else.

Take Charge – This might seem to be contrary to the above concept. But that’s only because it is. I don’t mean taking charge of something that you can accomplish. I mean taking charge of something impossible….like building Noah’s Ark or a bridge on the sea with floating stones. And while you’re at it, bet everything you’ve got on your success.

Get Sporty – Yes. Become a sportsperson (with the obvious exclusion of cricket). No matter how many competitions, meets, whatever you win…you’ll always be a loser.

Don’t Give a Damn – This is the only sure shot method. But unfortunately you can’t be taught how to achieve this. It is innate. And if you’re one of those blessed with this attitude….then why the f**k are you reading this?

INDIA BREAKS HER SILENCE On The Couch With Churail

userrandom — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 09:31:25 +0000

CHURAIL: Good evening and welcome to tonight’s very special episode of On the Couch with Churail. Our guest tonight will be turning 62 soon, yet she shows no signs of slowing down. For a long time now, she has been reclusive, letting various spokespersons (most of them self appointed) do all the talking for her. But now she is ready to break the silence and let us know what’s on her mind. So please welcome the Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Republic which we all love and know as India.
(Applause)
Glad you could be on the show India,

INDIA: Thank you, dahling.

(Customary Mwah mwah)

CHURAIL: Thanks for taking time off from your busy schedule, what with the elections just over and the neighbors acting all crazy…

INDIA: Well, the elections come every five years (it’s when they come sooner that I get all riled up) and as far as the neighbors are concerned, well, they have always been crazy…

CHURAIL: Let’s move on to more pleasant matters. You’re now more than 60 years old now…

INDIA: I’ll be 62 this August.

CHURAIL: Wow. 62. You know, I’m really surprised how youthful you look…I mean I’m 30 and it has taken me two facelifts and countless botox injections to make me LOOK thirty. What’s the secret?

INDIA: Can you keep a secret?

CHURAIL: (conspiratorially) Yes, I can.

INDIA: Well, dahling, you know what? So can I.
(Laughter all round)

CHURAIL: I’m really sorry, you must get this all the time…but I just have to ask you about your absolutely charming British accent.

INDIA: Ah sweetheart, you see I received my education along with this accent of mine in the United Kingdom. So my formative years were spent in a very propah English manner. As you might have heard, I am a polyglot if there ever was one…I can speak hundreds of languages and dialects. I’m even forgetting some that I don’t get to use that often. But childhood ties are hard to forget and so my English remains…well, English.

(gentle laughter)
CHURAIL: Which brings me to a more personal question. There were a lot of rumors about you and U.S.S.R. back in the day. Could you shed some light on that?

INDIA: Ah, the good old days. When we used to believe that we could really change things. And usher in an era of world peace and prosperity. Well, I sort of had a crush on U.S.S.R., or Russia as I lovingly called him. But he had a reputation of being a womanizer. From the ice queen Poland to the island hottie Cuba, he had done them all. So my public stance was that I am single and not really ready to mingle. I even started a club for all of us single girls. I must confess that I did in fact meet Russia quite often during that time…but nothing happened. A part of me still loves him and his Commie ways…but I have moved on.

CHURAIL: And what about your strained relationship with your sister, Pakistan?

INDIA: The less said about her, the better…if you know what I mean. It’s just that somehow, she just started off on the wrong foot. It was like nothing was ever good enough for her. She wanted more and more. I tried to talk to her a lot of times but she just doesn’t listen. And she has gotten worse ever since she started going out with that Jihad guy. I told her he wasn’t right for her. She didn’t listen. Now she’s in deep trouble and when I ask her about it she lies straight through her teeth. You see she started going out with Jihad just to piss me off. She’s that kind of jealous sibling.

CHURAIL: Hmmm…I understand. Now let’s move to the interesting bits. What’s up between you and USA.

INDIA: Oh no. Where are you guys getting all this from? Sam and I are just good friends. Everything else has just been concocted by the gossipmongers of the media.

CHURAIL: So you’re saying you have no feelings at all for America?

INDIA: Well, Sam is such a delightful little chap. I really like him…as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

CHURAIL: That sets the record straight. Now let’s talk about your immense fan following. How do you feel about having so many fans across the world?

INDIA: Of course it is a great feeling. But sometimes some fans go a little overboard. To them I would just like to say, get a life…you know? I mean go out do something constructive with your life. Also, a lot of them just don’t get me. They have this really warped image of who I am and what I want. Leading this list is that cheesy guy who keeps covering his face…whatsisname? Yeah, Manoj. You know I’m seriously talking to my lawyers about suing him…and he is not alone. I have finally decided to press charges against a lot of people for defamation and unauthorized use of my name.

CHURAIL: So who is it that you are suing?
INDIA: First and foremost there’s India TV as I don’t want people to believe that I endorse everything they show on the so called news channel. Then there’s Apache Indian, the people behind Mr. India, that movie Pardes…and yes, Amul. You can’t imagine the kind of calls I got ever since they came out with their stupid little slogan ‘the Taste of India’. You shouldn’t be allowed to get away with saying that kind of stuff about a lady.

CHURAIL: Another thing that all your fans out there would like to know is, what does India like to do in her spare time?

INDIA: I love to cook. I like a lot of song and dance and attending huge weddings. I like watching soppy, big budget masala movies…I just love them. And I love to party. Nothing like hanging out with friends in a pub after a hard day’s work.

CHURAIL: On that note we’d like to take leave of you. Thank you India, once again, for taking time off for us from your busy schedule. Any parting message for all your fans out there?

INDIA: Yes. Love me for who I am…don’t love me for what you can make out of me. Never works on any woman.