(A Simple Enough Hypothetical Situation To Imagine Yourself In).

STEP 1
Get your two best friends to help you – any friend willing to help you deliver a baby in a college storeroom when asked is a
TRUE friend STEP 2
Clear the nearest table and lay the woman down on it,use a curtain as a sheet – things like sterilization, protection from the cold and rain are for lame people with “Medical Training” … ‘Creative Minds’ do it rough. STEP 3
Set up a direct high-speed video link to the nearest maternityward /chubby little midwife – not only will finding this state-of-the-art hospital be a piece of cake, being an engineering student this will also count as your end-of- term project - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

STEP 4
At this point the woman in labour will be beginning to get hysterical (Pregnant women tend to do that when you point webcams at their privates)… knock her unconscious. If people try to stop you hitting a pregnant, hysterical women over the head, let her scream a little longer until they reconsider. STEP 5
Locate the nearest vacuum cleaner. Floor Buffers and RO Systems are not as effective as vacuums for childbirth and post-natal care.. STEP 6
Tidy up. No child, after a particularly uncomfortable not to mention life-threatening birth would like the first things he sees to be a dirty old store-room. - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - – - –

STEP 7
Now … Deliver the Baby. STEP 8
You must have the crying, gooey baby in your arms by now. If you don’t, repeat Steps 6 & 7. If the baby is not crying (i.e. is just a gooey lump) keep saying ‘All izz Well’ & move the baby’s arms with your hands. Try to get the others to play along and get them to say ‘All izz Well’ too. This should serve as a good enough distraction as you get away from
the place as fast as you can. STEP 9
Change your name and move to a remote, desolate location. Try to be a better person to repent for letting a poor sick woman think you can deliver her child when actually you can barely stay in college. Die alone and remorseful. ]]> http://randommagazine.in/2010/05/random-how-to-emergency-childbirth/feed/ 0 http://randommagazine.in/2009/12/rakhi-ka-swayamvar-%e2%80%93-or-no/ http://randommagazine.in/2009/12/rakhi-ka-swayamvar-%e2%80%93-or-no/#comments Wed, 30 Dec 2009 12:04:11 +0000 admin http://random.mediologysoftware.com/?p=193 It was many, many years ago when the ritual of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’, An Indian Bride choosing her own husband) was developed in India, by Ancient Indian wisemen, saints, and Brides. The ritual was that a young unmarried bride could choose her husband from a line of prospective, suitable husbands-to-be, be it by walking up-and-down in front of them and putting a garland (or mala) of flowers around their necks, usually after selecting which one beforehand from a balcony with some of her friends and giggling.

Some times a challenge is part of the Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’) where the prospective husband-to-be has to shoot fish or break bows before they get to marry the Bride (who is usually a princess) and the others are left with just consolation prizes. This was the ancient, noble ritual and tradition of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’) Oh, what an ancient and noble ritual!
But with the telecast of Rakhi ka Swayamvara, a very badly researched television ‘Reality’ programme where the celebrity Rakhi Sawant chooses her husband is a high mockery of that very ancient and noble tradition! The programme has done nothing that even remotely looks similar to the original ancient and noble ritual of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’)! Leaving the whole issue of the dress sense and the locations – they wouldn’t let anyone participate without interviewing them first! What travesty is this! First you had to send in photographs and fill a form, after that you would have to sit through an interview with the Television programme’s producers, and only then would they let you take part in the so-called Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’ my foot!)

The lady Rakhi Sawant has the birthright (being born in our great nation of India) to hold a Swayamvara of her own to choose her own husband (in case her own parents were unable to find one for her, as is the other tradition in our country) but what sort of travesty is this Television programme? Instead of having a traditional test to determine who would be marrying the Bride, they have challenges? Instead of the Bride going up to her husband-to-be with a garland, they have eliminations? Instead of giggling with friends on a balcony, they have Ram Kapoor? Where is the beloved tradition and ritual of our country as shown in the beloved epics Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana and Ramesh Sippy’s Mahabharata? Do not tire yourself looking, because it is no where to be found!

Thus it was no loss, no tears shed from me when the producers decided that I was not fit for the programme – As if they can tell who will be a fitting match for the lady Rakhi Sawant! Even my impressive archery skills could not impress them, and after they had seen my even more impressive skills in breaking bows and other weaponry they were probably too impressed to call me back.

But it is no matter! I am sure that the lady Rakhi Sawant will realize that a television show is not the way to choose a partner for life, and will soon be impressed by my archery skills, and will bless my life by putting the garland (mala) around my neck, and giggling with her friends on a balcony, as is the ancient and noble tradition of Swayamvara (‘Self-Husband’)