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THEME TABLES

admin — Sat, 08 May 2010 11:41:05 +0000

Those privileged enough to attend the 2nd Annual Golden Kela Awards got to see the back of Cyrus Broacha’s head… the VIPs on the other hand got to sit and drink and talk, rub shoulders and what not with CyBro (as close personal friends call him) and also get a close look at the tables (the other, non-VIP guests had to sit in the back … on chairs with needles sticking out of them …
rusty needles). Anyway, the tables had Genuine Props from Genuine Bollywood films… and here they are -

THE CROCODILE
WHO ATTACKED REKHA
The Unknown Crocodile had been missing for years. Finally after many years of work (which was later turned into a Docu-feature by NatGeo) the Crocodile was traced to Alipore Zoo where he was living by the name of Suresh Kumar and working as a night guard. Suresh sir was very accommodating, and later he also gave us his Official Movie Toy and Sindoor as a gift.
Seen in Khoon Bhari Maang, 1988

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JUMMA KA CHUMMA
This Kiss was to be retraced from Amitabh Bacchan’s skin, but Multiple Layers of Make up and effect of Bathing and Shaving on his facial skin since 1991 made it extremely difficult. But through a new technology, developed at the High Altitude Research Lab, Ladakh we finally traced the kiss back from a discarded tissue used during the filming of the scene.
Seen in Hum, 1991

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RAJNIKANTH’S
CIGARETTE AND SHADES
This cigarette was reconstructed
from its Ashes and butt, by a highly specialized team of Plastic
Surgeons, Harappa
Conservationists and Forensic Scientists in a project funded by Random and CSIR.The glasses now belong to French President Sarkozy who has exclusively licensed it for this ceremony.
Seen in Kodi Parakuthu, 1988

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JAYAPRADA AND
NATWARLAL KI MOONCH
Jayaprada’s image is displayed in the bottle by a small Flux Transistor which works 24 hours, the Bottle however had grown a beard and had become a drunkard poet, we had to convince the bottle to shave specially for this event.
Seen in Sharabi, 1984

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GOGGLES WORN BY
MITHUN CHAKRABORTY
These glasses have seen many owners, the President of Turkey
and the late Ray Charles.
Finally bought by Random for $9,00,000,0000000 in a secret
Auction held in London.
Seen in Disco Dancer, 1983

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JITENDAR’S
CLASSIC WHITE SHOES
These shoes have been with
the Albino Society of India since
1986. It was used at all their fundraising events and was placed at their office. The only Afro American person in Random Staff stole it from their office last night, motivated in part by a burning desire to get back at them for refusing him entry.
Seen in Tohfa, 1984

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COMEDIAN OF THE MONTH – CYRUS BROACHA

admin — Sat, 08 May 2010 09:19:40 +0000

RANDOM : HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
Cyrus : I’m not feeling well. Bimaar hoon, what to do? People say kela is a pinnacle, it is more prestigious than the filmfare awards.

RANDOM : ARE YOU NOT INTERESTED?
Cyrus : I tried my best to call everyone, Shiela Dixit, Ambika Pillai, Rajdeep Sardesai, no one here returns the calls. But I’m hoping if no one comes then I’ll get the awards.

RANDOM : WHAT AWARD DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD WIN, IF YOU WERE TO GET A GOLDEN KELA?
Cyrus : I’m happy with anything, for lyrics, for dancing, anything, as long as I get a Golden Kela. After all, at the end of the day we are all kelas only.

RANDOM : WHICH MOVIES DO YOU THINK WILL WIN TODAY?
Cyrus : I don’t know, some really good(bad) movies were released this year. Even my movie 99, was actually good, but it mostly played to empty theaters … IPL aa gaya beech mein. There are quite a few contenders vying for the Golden Kela, especially for Original Story and Worst Lyrics Award.

RANDOM : HEARD YOU LEFT THE IPL OPENING CEREMONY FOR GOLDEN KELA, WHY SO?
Cyrus: It was just for CNN-IBN, thoda sa kaam tha, but Golden Kela is more important. IPL will return again after six months, but Golden Kela is like Wimbledon; it’s like the grand prix. I have told Mr. Modi to delay the opening ceremony, start it late by like 10 pm, all because of Golden Kela.

RANDOM : ANY OTHER EVENT THAT YOU COULDN’T ATTEND BECAUSE OF GOLDEN KELA?
Cyrus : Meri shaadi.

RANDOM : BUT WEREN’T YOU ALREADY MARRIED?
Cyrus : Woh Mumbai mein hai, baaki jagah bhi to karni hai, Delhi mein, Nagpur mein…

RANDOM : WE HAVE HEARD FROM SOMEWHERE THAT YOU HAVE TWO KIDS?
Cyrus : My wife has two kids. You see, you can be sure of a mother, not of a father.

RANDOM : WHAT DID THEY SAY ABOUT YOU COMING HERE FOR THE GOLDEN KELA AWARDS?
Cyrus : My son loves kelas, only he doesn’t know that it’s not really a kela. But my daughter doesn’t like it, she thinks we are discriminating against other fruits, like apples and oranges. My son was happy that at last I won something.

RANDOM : WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO HAPPEN TONIGHT?
Cyrus : I think that the razzies gets a lot of stars, but in India, this culture is not there. We can laugh on others but not on ourselves. But I think by 2020 Kareena & all other stars will start coming. All big stars will start attending it in the coming years.

Cyrus : Ok enough, now some straightforward questions!

RANDOM : FUNNIEST MOMENT?
Cyrus : My suhaagraat, both the moment and the movie. Raat ke 9 baje, meri biwi aur main akele. Then I jumped on the bed, & woh so gayi, 8 saal ho gaye shaadi ko, and ab bhi wo waise hi soti hai.

RANDOM: COMEDY ON INDIAN TV
Cyrus : I used to like Flop Show… Jaspal Bhatti. That was very funny. But then it’s not gone anywhere from there. But Jaspal Bhatti obviously was something special. When he started doing hindi films, he got lost there. You know, he was playing the sardar guy, somebody’s uncle and all that. He’s far too talented for that. I mean, he’s twenty times as talented as the main lead. He could write a five times better script than the damn film and he’s stuck there. It’s a sad thing about the country we live in.

In Week That Wasn’t they’ve allowed us to push the envelope a bit. Because it’s an english audience, we’re getting away with a little extra. In mainstream hindi if you see…Shekhar Suman with Pollkhol had tried a bit. But at some point if you look at it, you’re only abusing four leaders. You’re making fun of Laloo Prasad, who loves it. Couple of congress guys who’re not that heavy. And maybe an L.K. Advani who’s slightly moderate. Are you taking on a right wing leader? Are you taking on a so-and-so…you know names that we can’t take?

RANDOM : WHO DO YOU THINK WILL WIN THE AWARDS TONIGHT?
Cyrus : Kamaal R Khan and his film, Deshdrohi.

RANDOM : BUT IT IS A 2008 RELEASE!
Cyrus : Nahi 2009 ki hai, KRK ke liye toh lifetime achievement award hona chahiye, Rahul Mahajan ke liye bhi, I don’t know what his exact talent is, but he is good. Rakhi Sawant too. My name is khan ko bhi mil sakta hai. Also, 3 idiots is a very bad movie, it’s so sugary, I did not like it at all. Arrey india has many idiots, like Aamir Khan, KRK, Rahul Mahajan, me.
RANDOM : AND WHAT ABOUT LADIES?
Cyrus : Deepika ji. What was that stupid movie, chandni chowk to china, uski story par ek reality show ho sakta hai; people can try and explain ki story kya thi. Rani hai, Dil Bole Hadippa ke liye, kya picture thi. Lara Dutta for blue, swimsuit ne acting kari thi, sharks also played their part well. Did you invite any of the sharks?

In hollywood 90% actors attend the event like razzies, it will take a little more time in india. The younger generation today is more receptive; 5-10 years down the line it’s gonna get better. I have an advice Random ke liye, next time call big sponsors, like Ambani, Bharti Airtel, and then give money you get to the stars and then they will come. This is my secret method, try it, it’s gonna work.

RANDOM : THIS AWARD FUNCTION IS BEING ORGANIZED BY RANDOM MAGAZINE, INDIA’S LONGEST RUNNING HUMOUR MAGAZINE, WHAT IS YOUR TAKE ON HUMOR?
Cyrus : I’m against it, I think I have been trying humor march 1996 se, humor should be banned, I don’t know why people are not listening to me, humor should not be encouraged.

RANDOM: INDIAN TV TODAY?
Cyrus : I’m forced to watch TV. Like the other day, my parents wanted to watch American Idol. So they are singing there and my son is watching Spongebob here. So i’m screwed. What can I do? I can listen to that stupid American show or I can watch cartoons. But Spongebob is funny. I like that. I watch a lot of cartoons, I’m forced to. Tom and Jerry… I think they should do an indianized version of Tom and Jerry. Instead of just speaking hindi they should start coming to gujarat and all. ‘kya? Billi ke liye hotel nahi hai? Behenc**d! I’m leaving!’ of course now we have Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi and all that an she’s…what?…803 years old and children are growing up thinking their grandmothers will live 4000 years and look exactly like Tulsi, with white hair.

RANDOM : WHAT ABOUT THE HUMOR IN CINEMA?
Cyrus : It is not humor, what you see in today’s films is something else, people like you and me, we won’t understand it, because we are not of the right type of mental level, of these film-makers. Golden kela is for people like us, it is for us to develop such humor sensibilities.

RANDOM : WHICH ALL CELEBRITIES ARE YOU EXPECTING HERE TODAY?
Cyrus : Jaspal Bhatti, the CM Shiela Dixit, Sushma Swaraj, she really likes jokes. I have even left invitations in Rajya Sabha & Lok Sabha. And Shahrukh, Hrithik & Priyanka also might come … You know not the Khan, Roshan and Chopra, their surnames might be different, like Shahrukh Gupta, Hrithik Chadha, Priyanka Singh.

RANDOM : IF YOU WERE TO RECOMMEND SOMEONE FOR GOLDEN KELA, WHO WOULD
IT BE?
Cyrus : I think everyone should come, I hated Black, I could not sleep for 5 days after watching Black. I had to go to a psychiatrist for treatment. People in Bollywood are not willing to accept it, even if one great actor comes, it’s going to be famous. You need just one big name to make it big.

RANDOM : DO YOU THINK YOU WILL WIN NEXT YEAR?
Cyrus : I want to win every year, it would be great.

RANDOM : GOLDEN KELA KE BAARE ME KUCH 200 SHABD KAHIYE.
Cyrus : Golden Kela is the greatest carnival since the Goa festival, it promotes art as well as what the artist wants to promote. You see in India, one is a middle market and one is a rural market, you can reach all the three markets in one go, unlike Filmfare Awards. Which is for the middle class and some high class, but Golden Kela can reach everywhere, it can be enjoyed by everyone, from all three sections. Then it will be wonderful, just like my suit, which I borrowed from a waiter at the Taj hotel, where I’m staying. Manohar ji, I thank him with everything for lending me this suit, so I could come here today.

RANDOM : WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
Cyrus : Chacha, Uncle… Bhaiyya!!!

RANDOM: PARTING SHOT
Cyrus : I think comedy is in safe hands. Especially for those who have a sense of frustration, be it in school, in college, in marriage, in career…It’s the only way out. So you have two options. Either you find the funny root and laugh it off and try to survive because life sucks anyway. Or you start killing people, which is also funny.

Earlier I used to tell people ‘free your mind’. Then I said ‘what’s the point?’ If they free their mind they’ll kill people, there’s no point. Don’t free your mind. Just shut up and stay at home.And don’t drive your car too much. It really irritates me a lot.

THE LAST THING THEY DO BEFORE GOING TO BED

admin — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 11:35:07 +0000

SIMPU LOVE GURU

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:45:15 +0000

RAYNDOM

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 11:22:20 +0000

RANDOM GUIDE TO SUMMER

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 07:24:10 +0000


SUMMER … THAT STRANGE, SULTRY SEASON SANDWICHED BETWEEN SPRING AND SMONSOON MONSOON …THAT DREADED MONTHS-LONG RECURRING NIGHTMARE WHERE CHILDREN ROAM THE STREETS AND NOBODY SEEMS TO GET ANY WORK DONE … THOSE TERRIBLE WEEKS YOUWAKE UP DRENCHED IN SWEAT (AND IT’S NOT BECAUSE YOU’RE LATE PAYING BACK THAT LOAN YOU TOOK FROM GUNJESH BHAI) … SUMMER …(YOU GET THE PICTURE)

But don’t be depressed! Things aren’t that bad! For one thing, there’s a lot of interesting bullshit on the news right now! But even still … here’s some. More interesting shit to do while the sun is out … 1. Hang out with people who give you the cold shoulder! 2. Remember that ice princess from your school? Start dating her again! 3. Thought your wife’s frigidity was a bad thing? Think again! (Wink-Wink) 4. Extort golas from the neighborhood gola-wala by threatening to tell his customers that the black-gola flavor is really just drain water. 5. Can’t afford an AC? Put ice-creams in your underwear! Shove ice in your ears! Camp out in the littlespace between the wall and your Fridge! 6. Feeling Patriotic? No? Well, Fake It! Most “Patriotic” places usually have a fountain nearby! 7. Catch Swine Flu! The fever would make you feel juuuusst right! 8. Go Naked! Sure people would mind at first, but after a while, they might just join you!



SUMMER PROS AND CONS
PROS		CONS
Sweat drops, if properly crystallized, can be used to make jewellery for andhi behen ka dahej … You can pee in your pants and pretend its just sweat!’ ‘TOO FUCKING HOT’ becomes a valid reason to skip work* [*May not be applicable if you work in afancy A/C office … or RANDOM] You can walk around in a big cowboy hat and not look like an idiot		You can’t take long romantic walks in the evening(because of the sun, and also because your handsare all sweaty) The only place you can take long romantic walks are inside nice, big, expensive air-conditioned malls… Even people standing far away from you get to know if you haven’t bathed for a few days There are less people outside, and less girls for perverts to ogle, thus causing a sharp increase in night-time molestations

SUMMER IS A DISEASE THAT CAUSES PEOPLE TO STOP FUNCTIONING … MUCH LIKE AIDS! SO HERE’S AN EASY SOLUTION TO THAT LITTLE PROBLEM …
“Can’t seem to get out of bed in the morning?” “Need an extra hand around the house?” “Can’t pleasure your wife the way she needs?” “Well then go out andget yourself A Brand New Khali Clone (Pat. Pending)”

DON KUTTY

admin — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 05:13:44 +0000

CUTTING THE CRAP

admin — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 11:02:29 +0000


“Ende Karthave! When will these things end? Or will they ever end? It really hurts me when I see people behaving like 13-year old air-head girls even after exhaustive counseling through my GK shows.”

Big Picture Lola Kutty’s on myth-buster This is really insane, I tell you. In times when I’m hell-bent on changing the psychology of the country with my General Knowledge show, people are getting more and more addicted to superstitions. My Boss carries a red hanky to maintain peace at home and my watchman sports a moustache to ward off evil eyes. I wonder who would like to eye him in proper conscience. I personally feel that women in particular are victims of superstitions. People avoid stepping out of the house if someone sneezes at the time of leaving. Can anyone in this planet give me an explanation for this? It’s considered a bad omen. But only a stupid woman will believe in all this crap. Well, I myself had some experience with sneezing. When I was shooting at KASA (Kerala’s Authentic Spinsters Association), I sneezed thrice accidentally on my cameraperson, who while trying to save himself from the ‘spit falls’ bumped into Ms. Glory Sylvy Thomas, the association’s president. And you won’t believe that within 1 month after the shooting, Ms. Glory and our president. And you won’t believe that within 1 month after the shooting, Ms. Glory and our		cameraman were locked in wedlock. So, tell me now is this anyway a bad omen? Let me tell you something more. That day, I was going to the inauguration of a new magazine called ‘Malayali Panorama’ in our locality. Now, being a health conscious I decided to go on foot and being a ‘beauty on duty’ I had Aalex to hold an umbrella over my head to save my complexion. What happened on the way simply defamed my reputation as General Knowledge. Mr. Vellappan was driving his yellow Maruti 800 and stupid Aalex crossed his finger the moment he saw the car, only to ‘un-cross’ it when he saw a red mailbox. To unearth that piece of unbelievable crap, I spanked him at the cost of incurring the wrath of Lord Ayyappa and even tried threatening him with the gun gifted to me during the shooting of ‘Bandit Queen Lola’. Only after hours of such third-degree torture that he would confess about the reason for doing so. ‘_ _ . _ . _ _ _ . . _’, he said. I was profoundly grieved to know that he did it just to get his wish of dating me fulfilled. Ende Karthave! When will these things end? Or will they ever end? It really hurts me when I see people behaving like 13-year old air-head girls even after exhaustive counseling through my GK shows.

BLOOD HORRORSCOPE

admin — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 10:14:01 +0000



Type O+ You are the most hardworking of the lot and thus your blood and sweat is most valued. This means more late shifts at work this month. The only upside being, you can watch The Pick Up A Headless Goat While Riding, live from Afghanistan and skip goat balls for dinner. There would be monetary loss, as you’ll have to bail your serial killer uncle out of prison and buy him the Hitler moustache from the Assassinator’s Auction.			Type O- You might find yourself inclined towards vampires owing to your increasing appetite for blood because there doesn’t seem to be enough that reaches to your brain. The cosmic blood cells that rule your blood type suggest you should try loosening your belt around the waist and hanging upside down for a season. As for budding artists, bloodstains on the canvas will make for a good excuse of modern art.

Type A+ This blood type prefers scratching themselves till they bleed to taking a bath. This is going to be a very convenient month as the rubber knife you carry around to scare people is actually going to harm someone and take you to prison. Everyone in prison is of your blood type and bathing is not promoted.			Type A- You should lock your doors and windows. This blood type is prone to get injured or murdered this month. Worse news is the blood banks have discontinued storing your blood type. So outsource people who could discover islands and go over to the dark side to hunt hybrids of wild boar and amoeba that might be a type A negative in this recession struck world.

Type B+ You have the most impossible accent like the Arabs, teeth as bad as the British, eating habits of a Chinese and you wake up every morning with the hangover of an Irish. Your blood type is hence, unofficially, universal. This also means, that if this blood is donated to any other blood type, the person would turn into a pirate on steroids.			Type B- Seems that you take cutthroat competition quite literally now that promotion is just around the corner – for someone else. Gore movies and serials about prison breaking heavily influence you. So guess it’s okay if you plan to kill your boss who’s sucking the blood out of you. Things are just going to suck this much month long.

Type AB+ You are generally so overdriven on testosterone; your blood type should have been Sumo. You are a dreamer who wants to climb skyscrapers, produce octuplets and save the world. If only you could put half an iota of such energy into work, you would’ve been able to save yourself from getting fired this month.			Type AB- You will experience the biggest massacre at the slumber party you host this month. The ketchup and food stains on the walls and couch is going to lead to a lot of blood boiling. Your eyes will turn a bloodshot red cleaning all those stains. Somebody in your bloodline will die, leaving no fortune for you. All in all, a very bloody week.

RANDOM A-B

admin — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 09:02:27 +0000