This is the book you have always been waiting for. There are so many interesting chapters that you will want to read this book even after you go to sleep. The book was authored by an oversexed crow named vatsyayan. It is filled with great gymnastic acts like jumping on ( and humping) your partner from the ceiling, dancing like govinda in front of your wife,  spinning like a top on top of her, holding an oil lamp in one hand while making love , grunting like a boar and many other such secrets that will put a chimpanzee to shame.

The book opens with a beautifully worded dedication.

‘Dedicated to the small portion of the british public who takes an enlightened interest in studying the gentle manners of the olden east.

Enlightened interest of the gentle manners? My arse! But vatsyayan got so excited by this time that he went straight to sex. In the first chapter on “mouth congress” he describes how you should make love.

‘A man should slowly touch each of the woman’s toes with his ears and press a finger of her hand between his toes. He should then take her to a lonely spot and—- hang on to the edge of your seat the best bit is coming—– he should sprinkle upon her the water he has rinsed in his mouth! He should take her to a pillar and stand on her like a quadruped – he should then proceed to excite her with bulbs, roots, peacock feathers, ginger and anything else he can find in reliance fresh, kalkaji

EDITOR’S WARNING:

Please don’t try such acrobatics at home. This is only a book review.

Part time lovers wouldn’t want to miss the recipes at the end of this book to enhance the size of the lingam.

“When a man wishes to enlarge his lingam he should do so by rubbing it with the butter of the she buffalo, or the excreta of the owl or the sweat of the testicle of the white horse.” don’t ask us where you can get all of these but we now know now why there is a shortage of white horses in india!

AVAILABILITY:

The piccadilly book shop in cp. But don’t rush just now, the shop opens only at 9 tomorrow morning. While you are there check out the latest version. Kamasutra for cows!

THE ONE MINUTE MANAGER

We promise 2 keep this review really short – shorter than the book which was written in 33 seconds and can be read in 14 . Anyway , the review.

Question: what is the difference between this book and a bucket of crap?

Answer: the bucket!

AVAILABILITY :

Airline toilets, five star toilets and any other toilet, when you can have a whale of time by tearing off wads and wads of toilet paper , absolutely free!

Happy reading! Mera bharat mahan ! Jai hind!

7 HABITS OF HIGHLY DEFECTIVE PEOPLE

This book is written by a silly cow called stephen covey. It is a good book to keep on your bookshelf mainly because the cover is made of asbestos and doesn’t need too much dusting. Covey first wrote the book forwards, but nobody understood a word, so he   wrote it backwards and the book sold 15 million copies in 38 languages!.

Covey fills with book with what he calls “focusing.”

E.g. If you have spent the last 30 minutes reading this random book review , then you definitely have the intelligence of mutton! And need to refocus your head, soul and just about every other part of yourself.

Other tips covey gives are:

• Don’t run out of your Bathroom in your skin! The Lizards are watching and They tell very good bedtime Stories!

• Don’t spit blood red gutka On neighbors’ shirts, insteadDo consider spitting on new Vehicles and freshly painted Buildings. He also recommendsLetting streams loose from Moving cars.

This book is written by a highly disqualified doctor called   chaudhuri who has an experience of 99 years  in astrology, history , palmistry, a b c and l m n o p .

The book is filled with yantras (checkerboard diagrams) that you can use to solve highly knotty problems and as cut outs for playing ludo!

For eg. If you are going blind looking at the monitor for jobs on naukri.com, dr chaudhuri suggests that you get up at 3.21  am and do pooja facing mercury in the sky.

EDITOR’S NOTE:

If you can find out where mercury is at 3. 21 am, you should definitely be working for nasa and not reading random magazine.

There are plenty of never before tried solutions to really unique situations.

E.g. You have spent half your working day spinning around delhi’s roundabouts, trying to figure out which radial  akbar road is , there are yantras to guide you in the right direction.

If your sexual stamina is that of a jelly fish (and we know it is!) you need to follow the advice on page 157.  I.e. Increase sexual strength by chasing a bear , procuring its private parts and rubbing it on yours. (after making a paste of it.) we are not sure this works – but we are sure of the following

• Bears are very good humpers – so may the Good lord bless ye gentleman, for you will Sure have to run faaaaast!

• You will definitely audition for the next Natgeo serial  called ‘getting intimate With baloo!’Back to dr chaudhuri .On page 157 there are suggestions for controlling another persons life and wealth.“ a crow’s nest is to be burnt and the ash purified 21 times by repeating the om sharee sharee swaha mantra 10000 times. Then throw the ash on the head of the person you wish to control. He will be afflicted.’Our editor actually tried this on his neighbor, who came out 3  seconds later  with a baseball bat and said “ b— chod, sa— ley, ku—hey, ——- > he said a few more choice things as well  but our editor didn’t hear them because by this time he was fleeing faster than an african gazelle pursued by a  hungry cheetah. AVAILABILITY All sab ka bazaar outlets . Buy two and get one mantra, tantra yantra free!

MIDNIGHT’S CHILDREN

Here are a few things you should know about this book.

• This is the book the cat brought in. Since cats aren’t very intelligent we decided to review it.

• We strongly recommend it as bathroom material, since you can flush it after reading the first line!

• The book has 552 pages making it the ideal choice for playing book cricket.

• The best page is 552-  only because its the last page and  boy are you glad the torture is over!

• The main character- shaktiman- was born on 15 aug 1947 , after that, this book like the rest of india is one big chaos

• You will become a papaya before you get to page 2 .

Here is an extract from page 1 to make you see what we mean.

‘Thanks to the occult tyrannies of these blandly saluting clocks , i had been indissolubly chained , had become embroiled , a dangerous sort of involvement , i couldn’t even wipe my nose.’ samjhe? Kuch tho samjhe? No?  See what we mean by papaya?

-  Our book reviewing editor actually got past page 1 . Ever since he has been responding by  singing allah ke bande in response  even to normal  questions like how are you?

And of course if you still insist on reading the rest of the book all we can say is bwhaha ha !( which in bantu dialect is go ^%*&^&*^*&!)

AVAILABILITY:

We don’t know, because we never read the book.