RANDOM GUIDE TO FAILING
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If you’ve heard about the Law of Averages, you’ll know that even the most pathetic loser of all time is bound to win some time or the other. Therefore everybody can win. And it takes only an idiot to tell you how to win (and a lot of idiots are making money out of it). Losing consistently, on the other hand, is an art that only a few have been able to master.
But, now the author of such bestsellers as The Drunk Who Never Had a Ferrari to Begin With, I Stole Your Cheese and The Neighbors’ Leftovers for the Soul is here to tell you that You Can Lose. And you don’t even need to buy it…because we have shamelessly stolen all the good stuff from the book for you to read. |
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| RANDOM GUIDE TO FAILING | ||
| Recognize Your Talent And stay away from it. Very easy. It’s even easier if you don’t have any talent whatsoever, like Tusshar Kapoor. In that case, look at point below (and the one below that). Don’t Cheat Face it. No matter what religion/conventional morality say, almost every winner is also a cheater, in one way or another. One principle that you’ll have to adopt to lose is ‘No Cheating (Unless you’re cheating for the opponent without receiving monetary recompense)’. Play squeaky-clean-fair and your chances of losing increase by 73.6%. Be Proud And refuse to accept any help from anyone…including your own father, sister and other assorted relatives and friends. Avoid sugar daddies (and mommies) like you’ve got diabetes. Get Addicted to a Substance An easy way to lose. Substance abuse will leave you penniless, pathetic and craving for more…the epitome of being a loser. And by substance I don’t mean marijuana (that’s not an addiction, it’s a hobby)…I mean something more harmful and addictive – like tobacco or alcohol for example. Avoid the Entertainment field Unless you’re a genius. Only real genius dies in poverty. Otherwise, in entertainment, your popular success is inversely proportional to your talent. In case you have no talent whatsoever, refrain totally from choosing this field. |
Talk Big Make tall claims about your experience, your qualifications and your abilities. Actually, it won’t help you fail…but it will definitely make the failure more dramatic. And funny. Be a Fatalist Believe in Destiny. Everything is preordained and therefore you can do nothing to change it. So do nothing. You’re bound to lose. So seek refuge from the random chance that is life in lofty (and stupid) concepts like Fate, Will of God or whatever else you might come up with that helps you blame someone else. Get Sporty Yes. Become a sportsperson (with the obvious exclusion of cricket). No matter how many competitions, meets, whatever you win…you’ll always be a loser. Take Charge This might seem to be contrary to the above concept. But that’s only because it is. I don’t mean taking charge of something that you can accomplish. I mean taking charge of something impossible….like building Noah’s Ark or a bridge on the sea with floating stones. And while you’re at it, bet everything you’ve got on your success. Don’t Give a Damn This is the only sure shot method. But unfortunately you cant be taught how to achieve this. It is innate. And if you’re one of those blessed with this attitude….then why the f**k are you reading this? |
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