Last week, I went to the Zoo. It’s full title is Zoological Gardens. It is very nice, and I had a lot of fun while I was there. Me and my friends first went to the ‘Ape’ exhibit. My friend Sumit said ‘O Behenchod look at that fucking Gorilla! He is scratching his balls yaar!’ I said, ‘Maa ke lode, it is not a Gorilla, it is a Chimpanzee, or Pan troglodytes, from the Congo region in Africa!’

‘I see,’ said my friend Sumit, and then he turned to the Zoo employee standing nearby,

‘Do all members of the Pan genus scratch their balls so?
‘Yes. Yes they do,’ said the Zoo employee, then went back to picking up Chimpanzee excreta, which was his job.

Just then I heard my other friend Akul call out to me from near the monkey cages, ‘OYE SAALE YEH DEKH! YEH DEKH SAALE ISS SAALE KI NAAK DEKH BEHENCHOD!’
Me and Sumit went up to the cage, and saw that the monkey in the cage was the Proboscis Monkey, and its nose was truly a sight to see. What fun we had shooting at it with airsoft guns! Ha ha!

Then, we went to the Big Cat area of the Zoo, which was very educational, as well as fun. The tiger pit wasn’t very fun at the beginning, when the tigers were just lounging around, but later, when they threw in their food – huge fucking hunks of raw fucking meat, I mean that shit was raw, I mean blood was fucking dripping down that shit it was so raw, I mean FUCK! – when they threw in their food, at which point all the tigers went towards and started tearing at it.

My friend Akul said, ‘Oh Shit! Look at that! All the fucking tigers are fighting over that raw fucking piece of meat fuck!’ and Sumit said, ‘Yeah this shit is fucked up yaar, lets go look at the Lion exhibit…’
So then we went to the Lion exhibit, which was very impressive, because the Lion was out and was roaring a lot. Every time the lion roared Akul would get filled with awe, and all he could say was, ‘FUUUUUUCK!’ Sumit rightfully noted how all the lionesses looked like they just had their cubs killed by the lion and then fucked by him too. It was a humbling experience for us all.

After that we went over to the Snake house, where they were having a show where the guests could interact with the snakes. I had a good time learning about the snakes (who are cold-blooded reptiles) and after the lecture we got to handle the snakes. Akul was all like ‘O BEHENCHOD MUJHE DEKH MAIN SAALA SAANP KO CHHOO RAHA HOON SAALE MUJHE DEKH!’ and Sumit was all, ‘MERE PAAS NAHI LA BE MAIN IN SAALON KO NAHI CHHONA CHAAHTA HOON! MUJHE SAANP SE BAHUT DAR LAGTA HAI MADARCHOD MERE PAAS SE HATAO!’
And then I said, ‘TUM DONO CHHIPKALI KE TATTON CHUP KAROGE MERE GALE PE BEHENCHOD SAANP LATKA HUA HAI AUR TUM SAALE YEH SAB BAKWAAS KAR RAHE HO MADARCHOD ZOO WALA KAHAN HAI USKI MAA KI CHOOT SAALE KO BOLO YEH MAA KA LODA AJGAR MERE GALE SE NIKALE MADARCHOD CHHOD KE CHALA GAYA BEHEN KA LODA!’

I was a little shaken by the snake incident, so I took a Valium and fell asleep in the car. Akul and Sumit stayed at the zoo, and later, when they returned, they showed me the little marsupial they had stolen (A Wallaby) and they summed up their experience as ‘PHAADU!’ and I must say, I concur!

The End

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