CHURAIL: Good evening and welcome to tonight’s very special episode of On the Couch with Churail. Our guest tonight will be turning 62 soon, yet she shows no signs of slowing down. For a long time now, she has been reclusive, letting various spokespersons (most of them self appointed) do all the talking for her. But now she is ready to break the silence and let us know what’s on her mind. So please welcome the Sovereign Socialist Secular Democratic Republic which we all love and know as India.
(Applause)
Glad you could be on the show India,

INDIA: Thank you, dahling.

(Customary Mwah mwah)

CHURAIL: Thanks for taking time off from your busy schedule, what with the elections just over and the neighbors acting all crazy…

INDIA: Well, the elections come every five years (it’s when they come sooner that I get all riled up) and as far as the neighbors are concerned, well, they have always been crazy…

CHURAIL: Let’s move on to more pleasant matters. You’re now more than 60 years old now…

INDIA: I’ll be 62 this August.

CHURAIL: Wow. 62. You know, I’m really surprised how youthful you look…I mean I’m 30 and it has taken me two facelifts and countless botox injections to make me LOOK thirty. What’s the secret?

INDIA: Can you keep a secret?

CHURAIL: (conspiratorially) Yes, I can.

INDIA: Well, dahling, you know what? So can I.
(Laughter all round)

CHURAIL: I’m really sorry, you must get this all the time…but I just have to ask you about your absolutely charming British accent.

INDIA: Ah sweetheart, you see I received my education along with this accent of mine in the United Kingdom. So my formative years were spent in a very propah English manner. As you might have heard, I am a polyglot if there ever was one…I can speak hundreds of languages and dialects. I’m even forgetting some that I don’t get to use that often. But childhood ties are hard to forget and so my English remains…well, English.

(gentle laughter)
CHURAIL: Which brings me to a more personal question. There were a lot of rumors about you and U.S.S.R. back in the day. Could you shed some light on that?

INDIA: Ah, the good old days. When we used to believe that we could really change things. And usher in an era of world peace and prosperity. Well, I sort of had a crush on U.S.S.R., or Russia as I lovingly called him. But he had a reputation of being a womanizer. From the ice queen Poland to the island hottie Cuba, he had done them all. So my public stance was that I am single and not really ready to mingle. I even started a club for all of us single girls. I must confess that I did in fact meet Russia quite often during that time…but nothing happened. A part of me still loves him and his Commie ways…but I have moved on.

CHURAIL: And what about your strained relationship with your sister, Pakistan?

INDIA: The less said about her, the better…if you know what I mean. It’s just that somehow, she just started off on the wrong foot. It was like nothing was ever good enough for her. She wanted more and more. I tried to talk to her a lot of times but she just doesn’t listen. And she has gotten worse ever since she started going out with that Jihad guy. I told her he wasn’t right for her. She didn’t listen. Now she’s in deep trouble and when I ask her about it she lies straight through her teeth. You see she started going out with Jihad just to piss me off. She’s that kind of jealous sibling.

CHURAIL: Hmmm…I understand. Now let’s move to the interesting bits. What’s up between you and USA.

INDIA: Oh no. Where are you guys getting all this from? Sam and I are just good friends. Everything else has just been concocted by the gossipmongers of the media.

CHURAIL: So you’re saying you have no feelings at all for America?

INDIA: Well, Sam is such a delightful little chap. I really like him…as a friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

CHURAIL: That sets the record straight. Now let’s talk about your immense fan following. How do you feel about having so many fans across the world?

INDIA: Of course it is a great feeling. But sometimes some fans go a little overboard. To them I would just like to say, get a life…you know? I mean go out do something constructive with your life. Also, a lot of them just don’t get me. They have this really warped image of who I am and what I want. Leading this list is that cheesy guy who keeps covering his face…whatsisname? Yeah, Manoj. You know I’m seriously talking to my lawyers about suing him…and he is not alone. I have finally decided to press charges against a lot of people for defamation and unauthorized use of my name.

CHURAIL: So who is it that you are suing?
INDIA: First and foremost there’s India TV as I don’t want people to believe that I endorse everything they show on the so called news channel. Then there’s Apache Indian, the people behind Mr. India, that movie Pardes…and yes, Amul. You can’t imagine the kind of calls I got ever since they came out with their stupid little slogan ‘the Taste of India’. You shouldn’t be allowed to get away with saying that kind of stuff about a lady.

CHURAIL: Another thing that all your fans out there would like to know is, what does India like to do in her spare time?

INDIA: I love to cook. I like a lot of song and dance and attending huge weddings. I like watching soppy, big budget masala movies…I just love them. And I love to party. Nothing like hanging out with friends in a pub after a hard day’s work.

CHURAIL: On that note we’d like to take leave of you. Thank you India, once again, for taking time off for us from your busy schedule. Any parting message for all your fans out there?

INDIA: Yes. Love me for who I am…don’t love me for what you can make out of me. Never works on any woman.

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