In the highest reaches of the Himalayas, somewhere in Bhutan (or maybe Nepal) there reside the Silent Dancing Monks of the Order of the Yak and Yeti. They dance all day long, without any music, to discover the secrets behind this Universe. They staunchly believe that God is a Yeti. But that is not what this is about.

The monks also believe that all legendary films and characters, due to the number of times people think about them, take form in some other dimension. All the films are constantly alive in those dimensions, endlessly repeating themselves. That is also not what this is about, but we are getting closer.

Sometimes, when someone in the dimension we call home disturbs this eternal peace of the Legendary films, chaos ensues. The dimensions get all muddled up and rehashed. Such an event had not occurred in millennia. But then, the Evil Lord RGV decided to make AAG and all hell broke loose!

Due to this irreparable damage to the fabric of the dimension of Legends, they have all got mixed up. We’ll take you on a trip to the Legendary dimensions, to see what has happened as a result of one filmmaker’s obstinacy. Yes, that is what this is all about.

Mogambo in Mughal-e-Azam

Mogambo fulfilled his wish to become the Shehanshah-e-Hindustan, taking on the name Jalaluddin Mogambo Akbar. In spite of all the debauchery he indulged in, he isn’t very happy.

His son, Salim, contrary to his father’s character, has no semblance of cruelty and has an aversion to wine and women. Mogambo loses his cool one day when he finds Salim sipping hot milk and ignoring the courtesan trying to seduce him, insulting her seductive prowess. Mogambo admonishes his son and packs him off to Rajputana, to learn a few “manly” lessons from his maternal uncle, Dr. Dang.

As time passes, Salim learns lessons in debauchery. The word finally arrives one day that Prince Salim “did it”. Mogambo calls for Salim’s pyjamas to see evidence of the act. After he is sufficiently convinced, he flashes a savage grin and says: “Mogambo, khush huwa!” The ambience reverberates with the cries of “Hail Mogambo!” (And a few people jump into the lava pit.)

Salim returns amidst great pomp. Mogambo receives his son with open arms and immediately offers to go whore-hunting with him. Salim makes a face and turns down the offer. To take care of this problem, Mogambo sets up Nadira a.k.a. Anarkali as a statue in revealing clothes, hoping to induce a Pygmalion effect on Salim (a perverted version, of course). But, Salim falls in love with her and wants her for life. Mogambo’s plan backfires, as he wanted Anarkali for himself. Troubles between father and son start.

Salim meets Anarkali quite often (with cousin Crime Master Gogo in tow, trying to warn him of the consequences). They sing songs in gardens, while Mogambo voyeuristically keeping a track of his son’s dalliance with the girl. Mogambo employs a nasty trick: he sends Bahar, an empress hopeful, to seduce Salim and divert his attention from Anarkali. What follows is an intense competition to win the favour of the prince. Bahar tries the Striptease act a la Demi Moore, as teri mehfil mein kismet aazma kar hum bhi dekhenge plays in the background; but Anarkali does the Sharon Stone act from Basic Instinct and wins the day.

Mogambo, employing another strategy, bans Anarkali from meeting Salim. Anarkali decides to do an item number in court, to please Mogambo. Pyar kiya to darna kya (Sexy Doll mix) follows. Mogambo throws flying kisses and money at Anarkali, as she dances, and keeps on saying “Mogambo khush huwa”, while an angry Salim sulks.

Salim and Anarkali flee the capital. Mogambo decides to use violence to get hold of the ‘formula’ (of pleasure), that is Anarkali. Father and son meet on the battlefield. Mogambo, eventually, traps Salim and Anarkali and takes them back to the palace.

Mogambo tells Anarkali that she could be his son’s wife for a night, after which, she will have to come to him, or else he would kill Salim. Anarkali agrees out of fear. A suggestive song, Jab raat ho aisi matwaali to subah ka aalam kya hoga plays in the background, as Anarkali goes to Salim for a night. She mixes sleeping pills in his drink and he falls asleep, after which Mogambo’s guards come and take her away.

Anarkali quietly enters the harem of Mogambo. He was waiting for her.

“Kaneez is here.”

“Anarkali, you can be with both Salim and me, if you want to. Mogambo wants to keep everyone khush!”

“Hail Mogambo”—Anarkali cried out.

As the lights dimmed, the guards outside the palace heard just one thing—“Mogambo khush huwa!”

Gabbar Singh in Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

The engine screeched to a halt at the small station. Simran had reached her ancestral land, Punjab. Her parents felt an immediate sense of belonging as they stepped on the cemented soil of a place they called ‘home’. She, on the other hand, hardly felt so. Home is where the heart is, the latter unwillingly left behind in west end of London. Her fate and future rested here but she couldn’t accept it.

Excitement and humour spilled from every quarter in the household. Simran’s Bauji ran from relative to relative affectionately greeting each one. The joy of being back was enhanced as he eagerly awaited the arrival of his old buddy and his to-be son-in-law. Just then a heavy hand slapped his back. Turning around in rage, he was pleasantly surprised when he saw the man.

“Oye Ajeete…!”
“Baldev, mera changa yaar!”

With misty eyes, the long lost friends reverted to nostalgia without moving an inch from where they stood. Gabbar Singh, son of Ajit and grandson of Balbir singh, followed in tandem, spiffed up in a dark grey Pathani with bullets hanging over it and a smirk across his face. His legs wide apart, he leant his hands on the shotgun on his shoulder. Shifting the toothpick from a corner of the mouth to the other, he intently scanned the crowd.

“Kitni kudiyaan hai?”
With a devious glint his accomplice replied, “Sardar, paanch se pandrah toh hongi.”
Rushing up to his son to hide his abominable side, Ajit Singh grinded “Abhi sirf ek hi hai tumhare liye.”
“Tab toh paancho bach gay.i” he cracked his infamous laughter that reverberated through the hallway.

His eyes fell on the remote and reserved Simran.
“Hamari hone wali joru…” he pointed.
“aur aap unke hone wale ghulam!” his friends chuckled
“Suwar ke bachcho!”
That shut them up, for good.

Amidst the hullabaloo, her head lay buried between her knees. She couldn’t bring herself to smile through this. Her sulky face met with a hard stare of disapproval of her Bauji.

Gabbar suddenly appeared in a daunting pose. Spitting the toothpick, he stood staring at her with a hand in his pocket.
“Aye Chamiya, nach sakti hai?”

Curtly she replied, “nahin!”

“Mere isharon me jald hi seekh jayegi.”

“Aur agar main na kahoon toh?”

Sniggering, he moved forward and grabbed her wrist on the right.

“Toh hum apne haatho se nachaenge.”

“Itni himmat hai?”

“Jaroor hai. Aur waise bhi tera haath main hi thamunga.”

“Lekin main kisi aur ka haath thaam chuki.”

“BAHUT NAINSAFI HAI!”

Gathering himself from the outburst (which highly amused her), he took to an empathic chord with her.

“Bahut yarana lagta hai.”

She nodded.

“Tujhe lene nahi aaya?”

She read a genuine sympathy written across his face.

“Shayad Bauji ka darr.”

“Jo darr gaya samjho mar gaya. Kudi, main tere vaaste kuch bhi kar jawa. Bol, apna haath mere haath mein degi?”

She kept silent though evidently she was considering his proposal.

“Yeh haath humko dede, Simran!”

Looking up, a smile strained her pretty face. He had received the much awaited signal. He proceeded in a louder tone,

“Yeh haath humko dede, Simran?”

Leaping into his arms with tears of joy and a delightful surprise at her own spontaneity, she cried, “Jab tak teri dil ki dhadkan chalegi, tab tak meri saansein chalegi!”

Akhir mein, gunwale dulhania le jayenge.

Munnabhai in Sholay

Munnabhai and Circuit had become famous due to their exploits in the medical college and with Gandhiji. His name had traveled far and wide. The Thakur of Ramgarh had come to hear of him. And he knew that only these two could solve the problem that faced him and his village…Gabbar Singh.

So Thakur made a deal with Munnabhai and Circuit and they came to the village to take care of the fearsome dacoit. When Munna met Thakur for the first time, he said in his characteristic way, “Aye mamu…ek jadoo ki jhappi de na!”

“Naaaiii”,replied the Thakur.

“Aye Circuit, bol na isko jaadu ki jhappi dene ko…”

“Kya Thakur? Bhai ne bola na jhappi dene ka, matlab dene ka. Tension nai lene ka bhai, ho jayega na bhai,” said Circuit.

Suddenly a gust of wind came and blew off Thakur’s carefully draped shawl. And Munnabhai was pained by what he saw. Thakur didn’t have any arms. He went off with his widowed daughter-in-law, Radha. The loyal servant Ramlal then told Munna about the tragedy of Ramgarh.

Thakur had been a police officer and had a happy family. Then Gabbar came along with his men one day and destroyed everything (you all know how it happened, so I won’t go into the details). Munnabhai gets really angry with Gabbar. Circuit says “Bhai, bolo to usko tapka daalta hai.”

“Nahi Circuit. Tere ko to pata hai ki apun ab Bapu ka bhakt ho gela hai. Apun ab ye sab maar kaat nahi karta hai. Is Gabbar se to Gandhidiri hi karna padega. Aur circuit…apne ko…ye jo Radha hai na…isse love ho gela hai.”

“Tension nahi lene ka bhai. Ho jayega na bhai.”

Then one day, Gabbar sends three of his men, led by Kalia to collect tribute from the village. But Thakur tells them, “Gabbar se kah dena, ki Ramgarh waalon ne kutton ke saamne botiyaan daalna band kar diya hai.”

Suddenly, Munnabhai and Circuit enter the scene and start talking to Kalia. “Kya Kalia? Tu itna mast kaam kar rela hai Gabbar mamu ke liye, wo kabhi tere ko Thank you bola kya? Nahi bola na. Par tu hamara kaam karega to main tere ko roz thank you bolega.” And with this he gives Kalia a jadoo ki jhappi. Kalia’s eyes fill up with tears and he does not return to Gabbar.

In this way, Gabbar keeps sending his men to Ramgarh and Munna keeps on convincing them to give up the life of dacoity and stay back in Ramgarh. Thus Gabbar loses all of his men. But Thakur wants complete revenge. He wants Gabbar dead. So, when Gabbar comes to Ramgarh asking for refuge and food, Thakur brings out his spiked shoes to kill him. But Munna intervenes “Kya mamu? Gabbar tere ko sorry bolne ko aaya hai, aur tu isko maarna chahta hai. Gussa thook de mamu. Bapu bolta hai ki paap ko khatam karne ka, paapi ko nahi.”

Thus, with loads of Gandhigiri and jadoo ki jhappis Munnabhai brings peace to the once ravaged town of Ramgarh.

“Bhai, apun dono yahich settle ho jaate hain”, says Circuit.
“Par tu yahaan karega kya?” replies Munna.
“Kheti karoonga na bhai.”
“Tere ko hal chalana bhi aata hai?”
“Hal main chalaoonga to bail kya karega, bhai?”
And both of them burst out laughing.

Munna then decides to stay back in the village and marry Radha. Circuit also marries the tangewaliBasanti, and they all live happily ever after.

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